God, faith, and some other random shit I've been thinking about.

I don't believe in God. But I don't not believe in God.

Yes, I'm an agnostic, which fits in well with my inability to commit to anything (other than boyfriends who are completely wrong for me. Those I can stick to like glue).

Ricky Gervais wrote a brilliant article in the Wall Street Journal about why he's an atheist, and I have to admit that I agree with almost every single word he said. He's just... right.

So why can't I commit to atheism?

Because I have faith.

I guess I should clarify a bit. I don't believe in any sort of Christian God. Nor any sort of Jewish or Muslim or even Buddhist deity. (Though I did have a brief flirtation with Buddhism when I was younger. I really like the idea of karma, and still believe it to be vaguely true... but the meditation aspect of it never worked for me. Anxiety is an ugly beast, and the restlessness it causes prevents me from sitting still too long. Let alone clearing my mind.)

No, the God I sometimes believe in is more of a helper. A way out. Someone I can call upon when things are really shitty or when I need to ask for a favor, or when I just need someone or something to make sense out of my irrational worries.

My God is just a friend. Who can help me through a rough time.

Words upon words have been written about how people misuse religious texts for their own gain, and so I'm not gonna go there. Other people have said these things in far better phrases than I ever could. People corrupt the concept of God and the concept of faith all the time. And they do it because they're scared. Scared of worlds they don't know, things they don't understand, people who are just a little bit different than they are.

But one of the remarkable things about both God and faith is that they're supposed to make sense of things that don't make sense to us. Because faith is all about believing in something better, believing in someone who knows better than you do. And if you have faith... well, that probably means that when you don't understand something, you should believe that someone (something) does.

I can deal with hate. And I can deal with being a target. But what I can't deal with is people misusing faith. Because whether you believe in a god or not, I honestly think that faith is all we have. Faith in humanity, faith in hope.

I've had a shitty year. I got my ass dumped (hard) and I got laid off (kind of on the same day!) and I had about 12 other things happen that made me question what the fuck I had done to deserve it.

But I still have faith. I have faith that I'm a good person, even though I do stupid things. I have faith in the work I'm doing now, even if it makes me kind of uncomfortable sometimes. And, most of all, I have faith in my friends.

(This is just a partial list. There are many others who I could, and should, name. But I only have so much room before this gets so unwieldy that no one reads it. No offense intended. Feel free to skim to my final thoughts at the bottom if you'd like.)

I have faith in Stephen Wiseman, who's been my fucking rock. There's nothing else to say about him. He's just that awesome.

I have faith in Joanie Solsman (and Nick G.!), who, despite the fact that I've barely seen her/them in the last 6 years, made me a groomsman in her/their wedding and made me feel incredibly comfortable and loved while I was in New York.

I have faith in Anna Franklin, who forgave me for a variety of sins, much to my relief. And who I miss almost every single day.

I have faith in Jess and Mel, who did the same, and let me pick up where I left off with them, which is something that I never expected.

I have faith in Eaddy, who has way more courage than I do and actually moved the fuck away. Twice. Yet still remains in my life, and seems determined to do so... thankfully.

I have faith in Annie, who's been my best friend for 12 years now, even though I don't deserve it most of the time.

I have faith in Kate Wegmann, who's listened to me, put up with my flakiness, and sent me a multitude of recipes so that I eat well.

I have faith in Myra, who was the only good thing about my last awful, horrific job. She made some of those days bearable, which was more than I ever could have expected.

I have faith in Joseph Polich, who was there for me exactly when I needed him. Like he always is.

I have faith in Wes Nemenz, who let me stay with him in NYC and even ironed a fucking shirt for me. And who's also doing more for the cause than I ever could.

I have faith in Ian and Rebecca and Kay and the gang at ENC... because they're just simply fantastic. And because the time I spent with them was the best work of my life.

I have faith in my mom and dad and sister... because they're always fucking there when I need them. Always. Which consistently amazes me.

But I have faith because these people give me faith.

Faith that something can always be better. That things will be ok. They give me hope. They help me understand the things I can't, and they're there for me when I ignore all sane advice and make a mess out of everything. And honestly, I can't think of anything better, or bigger, than that.

So if my friends will stick by me, for reasons that sometimes surpass my understanding... who am I to say that any kind of God won't?

Merry fucking holidays.