I don't believe in God. But I don't not believe in God.
Yes, I'm an agnostic, which fits in well with my inability to commit to anything (other than boyfriends who are completely wrong for me. Those I can stick to like glue).
Ricky Gervais wrote a brilliant article in the Wall Street Journal about why he's an atheist, and I have to admit that I agree with almost every single word he said. He's just... right.
So why can't I commit to atheism?
Because I have faith.
I guess I should clarify a bit. I don't believe in any sort of Christian God. Nor any sort of Jewish or Muslim or even Buddhist deity. (Though I did have a brief flirtation with Buddhism when I was younger. I really like the idea of karma, and still believe it to be vaguely true... but the meditation aspect of it never worked for me. Anxiety is an ugly beast, and the restlessness it causes prevents me from sitting still too long. Let alone clearing my mind.)
No, the God I sometimes believe in is more of a helper. A way out. Someone I can call upon when things are really shitty or when I need to ask for a favor, or when I just need someone or something to make sense out of my irrational worries.
My God is just a friend. Who can help me through a rough time.
Words upon words have been written about how people misuse religious texts for their own gain, and so I'm not gonna go there. Other people have said these things in far better phrases than I ever could. People corrupt the concept of God and the concept of faith all the time. And they do it because they're scared. Scared of worlds they don't know, things they don't understand, people who are just a little bit different than they are.
But one of the remarkable things about both God and faith is that they're supposed to make sense of things that don't make sense to us. Because faith is all about believing in something better, believing in someone who knows better than you do. And if you have faith... well, that probably means that when you don't understand something, you should believe that someone (something) does.
I can deal with hate. And I can deal with being a target. But what I can't deal with is people misusing faith. Because whether you believe in a god or not, I honestly think that faith is all we have. Faith in humanity, faith in hope.
I've had a shitty year. I got my ass dumped (hard) and I got laid off (kind of on the same day!) and I had about 12 other things happen that made me question what the fuck I had done to deserve it.
But I still have faith. I have faith that I'm a good person, even though I do stupid things. I have faith in the work I'm doing now, even if it makes me kind of uncomfortable sometimes. And, most of all, I have faith in my friends.
(This is just a partial list. There are many others who I could, and should, name. But I only have so much room before this gets so unwieldy that no one reads it. No offense intended. Feel free to skim to my final thoughts at the bottom if you'd like.)
I have faith in Stephen Wiseman, who's been my fucking rock. There's nothing else to say about him. He's just that awesome.
I have faith in Joanie Solsman (and Nick G.!), who, despite the fact that I've barely seen her/them in the last 6 years, made me a groomsman in her/their wedding and made me feel incredibly comfortable and loved while I was in New York.
I have faith in Anna Franklin, who forgave me for a variety of sins, much to my relief. And who I miss almost every single day.
I have faith in Jess and Mel, who did the same, and let me pick up where I left off with them, which is something that I never expected.
I have faith in Eaddy, who has way more courage than I do and actually moved the fuck away. Twice. Yet still remains in my life, and seems determined to do so... thankfully.
I have faith in Annie, who's been my best friend for 12 years now, even though I don't deserve it most of the time.
I have faith in Kate Wegmann, who's listened to me, put up with my flakiness, and sent me a multitude of recipes so that I eat well.
I have faith in Myra, who was the only good thing about my last awful, horrific job. She made some of those days bearable, which was more than I ever could have expected.
I have faith in Joseph Polich, who was there for me exactly when I needed him. Like he always is.
I have faith in Wes Nemenz, who let me stay with him in NYC and even ironed a fucking shirt for me. And who's also doing more for the cause than I ever could.
I have faith in Ian and Rebecca and Kay and the gang at ENC... because they're just simply fantastic. And because the time I spent with them was the best work of my life.
I have faith in my mom and dad and sister... because they're always fucking there when I need them. Always. Which consistently amazes me.
But I have faith because these people give me faith.
Faith that something can always be better. That things will be ok. They give me hope. They help me understand the things I can't, and they're there for me when I ignore all sane advice and make a mess out of everything. And honestly, I can't think of anything better, or bigger, than that.
So if my friends will stick by me, for reasons that sometimes surpass my understanding... who am I to say that any kind of God won't?
Merry fucking holidays.
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Thanks, Seth. I have faith in you too!
ReplyDeleteExcellent blog. I think you hit upon a number of issues that everyone wrestles with regardless of what spiritual beliefs they may or may not hold. I believe everyone has faith in something, it's just a matter of where you place it. As pointed out in the Gervais article, whether or not God exists really is not a subjective matter. Either God exists or God doesn't. What I believe about His existence has no bearing on the reality of the situation. Neither side can scientifically prove, without any doubt, that their belief is correct. (What would that null hypothesis and experiment look like? Some philosophical issues span beyond the realm of science). Science merely becomes a tool (albeit an important one) to support one side or the other. It cannot concretely provide the ultimate answer. So I think that everyone has faith in something: 1) the existence of a power greater than themselves (theism), 2) the absence of a higher power (atheism), 3) the inability on behalf of humans to ever attain the knowledge necessary to determine whether there is a higher power (agnosticism, which initially sounded like the most humble and accepting viewpoint to me, until I considered the idea of telling theists/aetheists that I disagree with their beliefs based on the theory that humans are incapable of having that level of knowledge...yet I somehow am wise enough to know that they can't know? It's an epistemological conundrum). But each of these three positions require some element of faith.
ReplyDeleteLike you, few things anger me more than misused faith aimed at promoting a personal agenda. Or using a faith that should be demonstrated as unconditional love and forgiveness, equality, and justice to promote diversion, superiority, and hatred. I'm pretty sure that we are talking about the same issue here (although there are sadly an abundance of issues to choose from), so I apologize on behalf of the people of my faith, those who claim to follow Jesus as their God (I also consider God to be my helper and my best friend...I loved that comparison you made) for having ever used our faith to belittle you, hurt you, condemn you as a person, or use you as a target for hatred. Christmas Day seems like an ironically appropriate time to make this apology, due to the celebration of the birth of one of the most divisive issues. I believe that people can hold different beliefs about morality, what constitutes right and wrong, to whom/what/where they place their faith, and still treat others who disagree with dignity, respect, love and equality. And ideally, even learn something from them.
Much love to you my dear friend. I consider myself fully honored to have made it on the list of friends that give you faith and hope. I hope to live up to your opinion (dare I say faith?) in me and continue to stick by you (despite the distance and my poor communication skills). We are an unlikely pair but I am continually grateful for and blessed by your friendship. Merry Christmas.